I have cheated in a few of my relationships and I realize now that it was to avoid getting hurt / abandoned because I did care about them something was just missing from the relationship. I was hospitalized a few months ago and there were people that were there because they were the one cheated on. I felt like the odd one out. During group someone was taking about their experience being cheated on and I had to leave because the group leader was agreeing that he was a horrible person. I want to be a better person but I think Ill always feel like I deserve to be alone because I have screwed up a few relationships in the worst way possible. I feel so alone in this.
I heard this analogy a while ago. I hope it helps you as it did me.Stuff in our past is like a carving on the bark of a sapling. Over time the scar the caring doesn't go away, because of the way trees grow it won't go up or down much either it'll just stay right where it began it may even get darker. But it won't get bigger. You however can. You can keep growing doing more things more branches being more. The scar won't get smaller, but you can make it a smaller part to who you are.If your unsatisfied with the things you've done in your past you can always make up for it by doing great things with your future. The only time someone IS a horrible person is when the action is occurring. After that your someone else.
Babe, no. You're not a horrible person. You've done not so good things, you are aware of that, and aware of why you did them. So right now you're at a turning point. You absolutely need to take this time for yourself to work out your issues. You do not deserve to be alone. You do not deserve suffering. You need to get help. You need to make a full proof plan to stop yourself from continuing this maladaptive behavior. Right now it's up to you whether or not you'll be a good person in the future, because I think continuing to cheat on people when you know perfectly well what you're doing would have a very, very bad affect on you. You are NOT a bad person. Don't let what you've already done haunt you - you did those things while you were confused and suffering. That doesn't mean you're not responsible, but it does mean that you made mistakes. I don't think you should be with anyone else until you've made some personal progress. I'm sorry you've been having such a hard time and I really hope for the best for you. Message me any time you need to.
What we do isn't necessarily who we are. We've all made mistakes and the power within is to have learned from them;this puts an end to alot of regret. To make the same mistakes over again with this knowledge would be mean and injurious to your self esteem. Hurting another doesn't help you in any way better you find ways of becoming a friend to yourself. Realizing your strengths and expounding on them. Get into some existential philosophy,watch the documentary I Am,read if you can The Secret. Knowledge is powerful and I believe honestly will take you on an adventure of self discovery. Good luck