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    Franci posted an update 7 months, 2 weeks ago

    ello all, I need some advice. My mom and I have been close as long as I could remember. We were the best of friends through childhood and I was way closer to her than any of my siblings ever were. Problem is now we are becoming the worst of enemies. So to back it up a couple years, I had a child with a verbally abusive alcoholic who would punch holes in the wall. I left him when my child was about 10 months old. After I left him I attended nursing school and graduated with my associates degree this past spring semester. My mom watched my child through all 4 semesters of it. I asked her plenty of times if I should find subsidized daycare (I don’t receive child support from my abusive ex) and she always said no and didn’t want my child attending it.

    So right as I was graduating from nursing school I met my current boyfriend. He has been the best bf I have ever had. Problem is my mom hates him more than any other bf I’ve had (even the abusive alcoholic who basically raped me and that’s why I have my current child). She doesn’t like him because he’s an addict in recovery. He’s been sober for 4 years. He’s 28 and graduating with his associates degree this fall (my mom also dislikes how late he started college). Yes we’ve had our fights and he came off as super controlling when we first met because he didnt like that I was on Adderall, used medical mmj, and took sleeping medication for my insomnia but now has come to terms with accepting some of it because he has seen how horrible my panic attacks can be and how my ADHD affects me. I went off of the medical mmj because I can’t use it with my current job anyway and just use an emergency Xanax once a month at the most when my panic attacks are severe.(Alcoholics are taught in AA to basically accept pain, emotional problems, and other discomforts without meds unless life threatening). Other than that he treats me like a queen and treats my son so amazing like the dad he never had. We have both changed for the better throughout our relationship.

    On the other side of the coin, my mom has been on a variety of medications since 2006 due to a botched back surgery including soma and tramadol. She sometimes mixes alcohol with these medications and it causes her to be super volatile. She does not want me to move away and says I owe it to her to move to Texas with her away from my bf because she housed me and watched my son for those 2 years. I feel that this cuts into my freedom, but on the other hand, she sacrificed a lot for me to have a future. I’m 21 and feel that I should be able to make my own decisions and try to leave the nest because it’s way overdue. She also talks all the time how my current relationship won’t last and will only watch my child to go do things that would potentially get me another mate like going to young adult church groups, go to parties, or bars (and never for me to go on a date with my bf). I don’t understand why she won’t let me make my own decisions and has always enabled me. I’m so scared to move out on my own and feel terrible for leaving my mom behind if I did. I love my boyfriend so much though and we have already talked about marriage in the future. Anyone have any thoughts on the situation?

    Mood : Confused
    • @fancifranci I think it’s fine to pay the debt in another way, maybe not now but in the future you’ll have another chance to make it up to her about the free childcare. Maybe you’ll move there in a few years. If you take the sense of owing her out of the situation, what do you want to do? What’s in Texas for your career and your child, and your partner?

    • First, I’m really glad that you got away from that bad relationship and happy you found someone (: I think you have a lot of stuff you’re going through and I want to say that if you’re happy with the person you’re seeing then you should do what you want to do and not what she wants you to do. In the end we only have the time we have on this earth so you should spend that time being happy (: best of luck and warm wishes

    • I’m supposed to pay her $6K for the childcare. I’m starting a job this upcoming week and am going to pay her $150 a month until I’ve paid it. Even with this though she still wants me to come to Texas. I really have no desire to live there. I have an abusive father that lives there and 2 brothers. One of them I do not have a relationship with anymore. I love my other brother but he prefers his space. My career could be potentially better there as a nurse but I don’t know if my happiness will increase. My boyfriend is graduating with his associates and is going straight to NAU to become a therapist. He will get his bachelor’s and master’s there. So he’s pretty set on staying here.

    • I would do what makes you, your son and your family happy in life @fancifranci, hopefully you can talk to your mother and come to an agreement about living arrangements, move to an area that will benefit you, make your child feel good and your relationship stronger, I’m sure you will make the right choices going forward, hope everything works out Franci, inbox me anytime if you want to chat or vent, you are never alone :) (hugs)

    • Alright, so dont take this the wrong way, but if you say your mother is your ”enabler,” then that is a serious issue you and you shouldnt be around it. But, first of all, congratulations on everything that you have overcome, and congratulations on your accomplishments and on meeting someone who you feel is good for you. Every single relationship has problems, and every individual comes with their own set of issues, so it is important to be open minded and accepting, especially knowing that that person is trying their best. You and your boyfriend seem to have many things in common which i think will help both of you succeed. Its like having a gym buddy who is in the same shape as you, its healthy motivation to do better and grow together. Your mother seems scared to let you go, for whatever reason. Maybe she is lonely, or maybe she is scared that you will get hurt again, so try and speak with her and try to make her understand. To be honest, i think you should continue dating your boyfriend for longer before you involve your child and move in with him. If you met him towards the end of the spring semester. then that means you havent even known this man for more than 5 or 6 months. That is a very short amount of time to devote and change your life for a person. You still need more time to get to know him. Mothers oftentimes have a sort of intuition about the people you decide to be around. Ask your mother what it is that she doesnt like about him, and hear her out. At the end of the day, that reason she gives you will let you know if her worries are justifyable or not. You are very young, and you have a lot of time to meet someone amazing. Make sure he is the one before you make such a drastic change in the lives of you, your child, and your mother.