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    Grace M posted an update 6 years, 10 months ago

    I need to get some shit off my chest and just put all it out there in the open. I’m really frustrated with life right now. I’m not happy with my job and I feel like I’m not good enough at it. I’m a maid and it’s decent money I guess but people who haven’t been working there as long as me are moving up quicker. It makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. I’m not in school and I feel like I’m not doing anything with my life. Yes I am in recovery and I’ve been totally sober for 7 months, and that’s great. I am trying to work on building my self esteem because it’s low. It seems like the smallest things hurt my self esteem and I’m just so sensitive and vulnerable right now. I’ve been in self pity mode for like 7 years now. I just feel like it’s never going to get better. It has in some ways but I still don’t accept myself or my life. it’s like I’m never satisfied.

    I met this guy and I felt happy for like two days while we were talking. I finally felt like I met someone. I started having a lot of doubts and worrying a lot because he’s like 15+ years older than me and that scared me. He’s in AA and my sponsor is friends with his ex and apparently his ex didn’t have any good things to say about him, but that’s just her opinion and she’s got problems too. That worried me too though. I started getting a little obsessing and thinking about him all the time and it didn’t feel right. I asked way too many people their opinions and couldn’t stop talking about it. I had so many different emotions going on about it and i couldn’t think for myself about it anymore. I let people influence me to stop talking to him so I sent him a message saying we couldn’t hang out anymore because I need to focus on myself and my program and my recovery. It’s been like two weeks since then, and I’ve been really wanting to reach out to him again. I’m scared to because I don’t know if it’s right. Half of it is because I don’t want to embarrass myself by messaging him after saying I need to focus on myself. I don’t even know what I want. Why would anyone want to date me? I’m a freakin mess. I live with my mom and I don’t have that much money. I dont know what im doing with my life. I dont know who I am. But I felt so comfortable with him and just talking to him. I havent felt like that in so long. Im tired of letting other people make decisions for me. I feel like im brain washed by AA. i get scared of doing things like dating or talking to men because i know it can be dangerous when youre in early sobriety. I have done it before and my sobriety couldn’t take it. i ended up using again because I made the guy my higher power.

    I don’t know what to do.

    Mood : Confused
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      Cecelia replied 6 years, 10 months ago

      I am so sorry this is happening to you, but maybe things will be easier now that you’ve let out some of your thoughts and feelings. I hope you can feel better and things will generally get better! I wish I could do more for you! :( ♥

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      rinseandrep replied 6 years, 10 months ago

      @grace-mcfairy Good job on your sobriety! They say it should be a year without dating right? And, how long has he been sober? I think it’s good to talk about it, and to remember that waiting and thinking about it is probably the less damaging course of action here so don’t rush to a decision.

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      Oli replied 6 years, 10 months ago

      I would focus on your recovery first @grace-mcfairy, look after yourself emotionally, mentally and physically Grace, make your life as stable, happy and upbeat as you can, surround yourself with compassionate people and a job that brings you fulfilment, stay positive and keep going, hope everything works out, inbox me anytime if you want to chat or vent, stay strong, you are never alone :) (hugs)