Hello, I will try to be as clear and brief as possible. Every time I think about it it makes me cry, feel stupid and I don’t know what to do.

So last year, I started working at a theatre. I remember the first time I saw him, Jude. I thought he was very handsome and developed an instant crush on him, but nothing serious. After we started being friends, he said something that made me realise he is bi, so my crush on him disappeared and instead I thought he and I could be very good friends.
Jude was the bartender of the place and also the ex boyfriend (but this was like 10 years ago) of one of the directors of the theatre. They are older than me, they are 29, 30 and I am 23 (22 at that time), and Allie (the Director) was always jealous of Jude talking to me or any person around, they had lots of problems and Jude ended up quitting. Jude and I became good friends, at the begining I was sure he only talked to me because he wanted Allie to be jealous, and he was always sending me texts and asking me if we could hang out, it was ok but I tried not to get too excited about him being my friend because I knew it was all going to be fast, as soon as Allie and Jude became friends again he was going to forget about me, so I was just trying to be careful.

Now, one year later, I still don’t know if our friendship started because he wanted to make Allie jealous, but I am so thankfull to have a friend like him. I absolutely adore him. I don’t have looots of friends and I am always looking for a friend who can get me, who wont fall in love with me and later make me feel bad because I never cared (when I actually never knew, has happened before a lot…), who really wants to be my friend and loves me as I am. So I am very comfortable with him, we hanged out a LOT. he sleeps at my place, we go together to parties, bars, etc. and recently we went to the desert with my dad for a full weekend and it was so beautiful, not only we shared lovely experiences in natural places, but also he met my dad and his friends, which was important to me and my relationship with both of them.

Everything was going great, I actually had been written in my diary that I dont want to lose Jude, ever. I am not the best at relationships in general. And I’ve lost lots of friends because I felt things and never told them outloud, when I did, things went wrong, I think that everytime I share my deepest feelings towards some situation I felt bad or sad or betrayed it goes wrong, people blame me and we stop being friends, dating, etc. I was so afraid at one point of losing Jude by any chance, that I’ve been trying to be rational and be cool about everything.

But… Jude’s birthday came and I messed everything up.
Weeks before Jude’s birthday I asked him what he wanted to do, he said nothing. That most of the times people organised stuff for him and it was ok, so I first asked him if he wanted me to throw him any type of party or dinner or anything and he said no. Then I asked him what he was planning to do, just to know what role to play, I mean, a year is not too long and maybe we wanted to celebrate with other circle of friends, which I am totally fine with. But one day before his birthday he said he wanted to hang out with me at my place, get drunk and watch movies. So there I am thursday night with a bottle of wine, thinking about cooking some snaks for the night… but Jude sent me a message saying he was going to be late because he was with his friend ”Nathaliè”. I’ve never met her before. I’ve only heard of her because of Jude, he loves her, he says she is a hottie and she always ”uses” him (his own words, not mine) when she has trouble with her bfs to make them jealous and make out with Jude infront of other people and so. Jude describes her as the bimbo all people hate because she is hot. (I’ve seen her pics, she is not that pretty, but ok). Also, Allie, our friend in common hates her and has always been jealous of her.
So of course I felt bad. But it was al worst when he said he wanted to go dance with Nathaliè to a club and asked me if I wanted to join them, I said no. Because I am not an example of sexyness or hotness or look like a top model like her, also I am very intense, very deep and emotional and it sounded to me that I was actually going to hate her, but anyway I told Jude ”I dont really feel like going, but if you want me to be there, I will go”. he said it was ok, he later on said he felt bad because he left me alone at home. I tried to convince myself I was fine and that I didn’t care about him changing plans, but I was not. I was devastated. I felt anxious and wanted to get out of my house, get drunk and forget about my feelings.
I guess we were both a little tipsy, and we kept telling each other how much we loved each other and said we were best friends, but deep inside I knew it was guilt talking, because he preferred being with her. It’s ok, it would’ve been nice to now before I was already waiting for him at my place making plans for myself instead.

I called a friend and left, I was determined to lose my self that night and got really drunk. By 3 am, Jude sent me a message asking me where I was, I told him I was at a bar with a friend, he said he was going to pick me up so we could get together. When he got there we were both drank as hell, I kissed him on the lips because I honestly thought I needed to. It was weird tho, (we have made out some occasions in the past, at parties but I’ve always found it a bit gross because I don’t see him that way) but I wanted to mark territory or something. We walked to my house holding hands until we stopped for a slice of pizza on the way. Right in the pizza place, I started flirting with a guy and when we went back to my place I invited the guy I was flirting with, as soon as we walked in, Jude said he was going to sleep he was not feeling very good.
Long story short, I ended up sleeping with the guy I met at the pizza place right next to Jude. He was sleeping like a rock and he made some noises but as he never woke up, I thought he was not going to notice.
He woke up at 7.30 and left my house. I felt really really stupid, not because I slept with a total stranger, but because I was really drunk and I actually never wanted to sleep with anyone, I did it because I felt like shit, I felt my best friend put me in last place and I was not worth to him, not worth for him to spend the night as he said with me, etc. Instead, he ended up going with Nathalie to some event with no friends of Jude, but hers. yay fun.

I know I shouldnt be this stupid or mad, it was his birthday he can do whatever he wants even if it wasnt. But he said. and for me it was actually a very nice surprise he wanted to hang out with me on that day, but in the end it didnt matter. and I did something I didnt want to, because in my dumb impuslve drunk idiotic mind I didnt care and slept with someone I actually didnt want to. next to my bff on his birthday. who is the bad friend now?

It’s been almost 2 months, and Jude is not the same person he used to be. He stopped talking to me, he just responds if I call him first, if I text him first. we never meet, if it goes well once a week, and we used to spend days together, sending stuff all the time, making jokes, and I feel like I am losing him. I don’t like this feeling, I am depressed, right now he is my only close friend and Ive been getting sick very often too. My doctor said I am giving him a lot of importance, but I just don’t understand why wouldnt I. I adore him, I dont want to lose him.

I’ve talked to him, I told him that if he is sick of me, I should know just to get my distance. He says Im being stupid, of course he is not. Then I asked him if he was ok, because maybe I was too focused on my and my troubles instead of asking him how he was. He said he was sick of this place and this people, he feels stuck, he wants to move out and do something else, but that means being away from me and my house too. So I didnt say anything, I just said I am your friend too, and as much as I need you when I am feeling sad, I am here for you and anything you need. He says he knows. But as days go by and I think everything is going to be ok again, it still feels like he hates me. I apologized 1000 times on his bday for what I did and he said there was nothing wrong, he actually said I was a total champ, but I cant get out of my head that, not only this is the reason that made him mad to me, but also mad me to myself. I need to stop this behaviour, but more important, I dont want to lose him.

Is this the end? I don’t know what to do, I am depressed and really dont know what to do, I wish things were as before.